I remember trying to start the car, thinking to myself. “I’m
ok, wow. Fuck. I’m ok, now I need to leave.” I was in total shock, my car was
facing the wrong direction, over the curb against a telephone pole, every airbag was deployed,
and I still tried to turn the car on again…
That’s fucked up.
That night I could have killed somebody, or myself. Thankfully it was
late/cold/icy and nobody was out on the roads…but I can’t help but think of
what if? This was far from the first time I drove when I should not have. I made
a terrible decision that will haunt me forever, and I barely remember making
it. Just another night in a long string of “barely remembers” in my adult life. I used to call it “lost the time” but it is nothing more than “blackout drunk”
and I was really fucking awesome at it. It was fun, it was “Dan being Dan,” and
it’s over now, forever. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about that night
after the National Championship.
Today, I reflect on 1 year of continuous sobriety from
“booze and brews” and look forward to a future without alcohol, because I am a
much better version of me without it. “Sober Dan” is still finding his way, and
it’s not always easy (especially if dancing is on the agenda) but I’m much
happier. I’m stronger, I’m more confident, and I’m taking care of myself.
In hindsight, I knew that drinking could be a problem for
me. I didn’t have a drop until I was 22 because I was terrified of ending up
like my mom who had a terrible problem with drinking, and others in and around
my family. I’m a collector, and have an addictive “all-in” personality. I
eventually told myself I can handle it, and the rest is history. I can’t, I
didn’t, and I won’t have to worry about it anymore.
If you are close to me (or not?), and very few of you are,
then you likely have a story or 10 about me. For better or worse I suppose. It
wasn’t all bad, I can still laugh about some of them. However, there are far
too many. I made a lot of “friends” and connections through the community of
craftbeer enthusiasts, I’m thankful that some of those have endured at least in
part through this past year. Trying to find common ground among people is hard
for me, and drinking is such an accepted behavior in our culture. It’s truly
the norm, and I’m the odd one out now.
Over the last several years there were many factors that elevated
my drinking to new heights, and it became my way out of my head. When I
couldn’t handle my shit I drank, when I felt sad I drank, when I felt great, I
drank….etc. So long as I could forget what was happening, I drank. I destroyed
relationships, I ruined my marriage, I lost friends when I had/have so few, and
I nearly lost my job. Although for many of my friends drinking was/is central
to their way of life, and I’m still struggling to find my way with that. There
has to be more to it right? Was that all there ever was? Is that the tie that
bound us? Finding new ways to spend my
time hasn’t been hard, in fact none of it has been really that hard. It was a
change that had to be made, and I made it. I wasn’t the type that woke up and
needed to drink, but when I started, stopping was sometimes (nearly always) a
problem.
My craftbeer “hobby” was unmanageable, expensive, terrible
for my health, but a great way to hide my problems behind an acceptable and
often applauded world. Looking back it’s all so obvious, but at the time I had
no idea. More than one person who care(d)(s) about me told me this, but I wouldn’t listen. I see people still in
this community doing the same thing, I hope it doesn’t take them nearly dying
to figure it out. If you are reading this, and that feels like you. Step back,
think about it. No one can do it for you.
So what’s my point here…I just felt compelled to share, as
part of my recovery process. The 12 steps you may be familiar with don’t work
for me, I don’t have/want/need religion so the program isn’t appropriate for
me. Nor do I feel that I have to give myself up for anything. I simply have to
get better, and I’m doing that “one day at a time” (the steps get that part
right!) and I believe if you need help they are a good place to start. The
meetings are….interesting, but not for me. Talking about it, sharing, and being
open is key. I’m not afraid to hide behind it, nor will I be ashamed of myself
anymore. I’m me, full of faults, and that is good enough.
One of the most amazing things throughout this entire
process, has been the number of people that have come to me or confided in me
in one way or another as they fight their own internal battles with addiction.
I’m so thankful to be here, so I have the opportunity and privilege to help
other people through. My part is small in their big picture but I’m so happy to
help. If you are reading this, and you ever need someone to talk to please don’t
hesitate to reach out. I don’t know if I would have or could have done this
alone.
If you have made it thus far, thanks so much for reading
about my story. It helps me to write/reflect/share with more than just my
therapist! Thanks to you all for being so supportive in your own way, and especially thank
you to Amy, who is always there for me, no matter what. I love you. To everyone I've hurt along the way, I'm sorry.
I’d like to think that
things do happen for a reason, this
terrible thing was what I needed to figure my life out, and get my shit together.
I still suffer from anxiety, depression,and panic attacks but I have learned how to handle
it and deal with life rather than simply trying to drown it out.
Much love.
-Dan-
If you think you need help, here are some great resources to keep handy. The single greatest investment you can make is in yourself, and I highly recommend EVERYONE go to therapy. Especially if you don't think you need it, because you do :)
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
To Write Love on Her Arms
PS - maybe your wondering why I would post on my old beer blog, for me this is a way of closing this chapter. It will be the final post on this account, and serves as a reminder to me (maybe others) of how out of hand this scene can be.
PS - maybe your wondering why I would post on my old beer blog, for me this is a way of closing this chapter. It will be the final post on this account, and serves as a reminder to me (maybe others) of how out of hand this scene can be.
My sister sent me here (amanda mahony) I think you guys know each other and it's possible we have met too. I just wanted to applaud you for your courage and for being an inspiration to the addiction and mental health community, because often, they go hand in hand. Maybe you will inspire others to do the same!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for reading it, and for the kind words. I do hope that I can inspire people. If even one person takes pause to consider their own life that is a win for me.
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